The Atrocity that is “Minglish”

So, you’re sitting down, surfing through the channels and you decide, hey, how about watching something “local”, you know? Movies and series are good, yes, but you need something different today, and for some reason you are hankering for a little Urdu. You finally find a Pakistani channel that you decide to stick with and watch. And that’s when things go really weird, really fast.

Irrespective of whether you tuned into a news channel or a drama channel, you’re slightly bemused at first to notice just how much “non-Urdu” is being spoken. You check to ensure that it IS a Pakistani channel that you’ve tuned in to. Yup, that you have. So what exactly is all that English doing in there? If you’re watching the news it’s all the more confusing because, hey, isn’t news supposed to be scripted? And if it is, then how hard is it to come up with news in Urdu? I mean there are writers who write in Urdu, right?

And if by some chance you tuned into an entertainment channel, well then, you only have yourself to blame for having to listen to an actor with no facial expression and dead eyes, deliver this nugget of gold: “[his friend] nay apna khana finish naheen kiya abhi”, which is why “woh apnay office main time say work kay liye naheen pohnch sakta”.

And, by CTHULHU, once the ads start, it’s one hair ripping “aap ko germs say safe rakhay” after another “aap kay liye aik gift free.” But by that time you’re probably numb enough with the onslaught of an alien language that is neither here nor there to actually not give a fuck.

Apparently, there’s a name for this shitty phenomenon: Minglish (I shit you not, I’ve heard people at advertising agencies using that word to mean this bastardised version of Urdu/English). What is it, you ask? Why it’s the tendency of illiterate motherfuckers to try and pretend they’re cultured – because only those who speak in English are cultured, of course. So why say “haath milao” and be thought of as Urdu medium, when you can say “Hand shake karo” and totally become “maadren” (yeah, at least in your head). The fact that you sound MUCH MORE illiterate and come across as a total “burger wannabe” is besides the point, however much that escapes you. But what irks me the most about this “trend” is that slowly and surely most of the urbanites are losing touch with Urdu to the extent that we don’t even know how to form a complete sentence without adding some English in it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those “Urdu is awesome cos it’s desi and English is shitty cos it’s not” people. What really gets to me is how “complexed” we are about knowing or even speaking in Urdu. For most of us, conversing in Urdu is a sign of being “paindoo” or “not educated enough.” And we just HAVE to add a bit of English into everything (even when it doesn’t fit) lest we be thought uncouth or uncultured, cos hey, you can’t be cultured unless you speak English.

What’s also baffling is the fact that they think that going around telling people that their Urdu is “weak” is a sign of being “maadren”, too. What in the WORLD does being shit at a language that is ubiquitous around you prove? That you’re too fucking dumb to actually learn shit even when it’s all around you! So why the smugness? Why the feeling of “pride” at being shitty at Urdu? Oh wait, because you think that if people find out your Urdu is awesome, you’d be thought less of.

The irony? These are people whose English also sucks balls (not just Urdu)! They’re the ones who don’t know where and how to put “has” and “have” (“She have been here, you know?”), they don’t know subject and verb agreement rules (“I don’t think he like it.”), don’t even realise the rules applicable to using past (“I didn’t understood what you said.” Yeah, maybe cos your English fucking sucks!), and let’s not even get into the clusterfuck that is their spelling and diction. You’d think that if they were that concerned about being considered “cultured” they’d at least work at it, but nope, it’s easy to say “My Urdu is sucks, but my English very good” around people who know dick all about English to actually notice what an illiterate cunt you sound like. Please, for the love of God, STFU with your “I wanna to go theres” and “I didn’t thought you’d minds”. SERIOUSLY!

If you’re so much of a superficial asshole that you think just peppering your words with a bit of English/Minglish would make you “cool” and “hip” and totally progressive, despite the misogynistic, regressive shit you spout in your spare time, then not only are you wrong, but you come across as this really complexed individual who would go to any dishonest lengths to prove that s/he’s worthy (Jesus H. Christ, how low IS your self-esteem?). Maybe the right thing for you would be to seek help for this problem.

In the meanwhile, those of us who actually DO know enough English to actually be proficient in it, as well as have extensive mastery of Urdu also, would like to tell you that NOBODY buys your spiel: we know you for who you are – a fucking fraud!


Hunters are Great!


Hunters seem to be the new “assholes” in town, from the looks of how everyone seems to be “outraged” by them, and how some celebrities (I’m looking at you Ricky Gervais, you hypocritical cunt) engage in bullying tactics when it comes to hunters. A lot of reasons are cited for this outrage by the dickwads who think bullying is A-okay when it comes to them being the bullies. Here’s something that should’ve been written a long time ago about why these dickwads are wrong.

First off, let’s start by differentiating between ethical hunters and poachers. These people, posing next to their trophy, are engaged in LEGAL and ETHICAL hunting, however much they piss you off for doing that (let’s forget the fact that the only difference between them and you is you have your meat cooked when you pose next to it, and they don’t have any qualms about posing next to it while it still resides in its skin). They’re not poachers; they don’t one day get up, take a rifle and just kill any old animal because it’s lucrative for them to sell the teeth or gonads or penis or whatever the fuck assholes like you want to buy of these animals that keeps poachers in business. Trophy hunters are basically out hunting for, as the name clearly spells it out, trophies. Mostly it has to do with the size of the head (in case of lions and giraffes) or the antlers (in case of big game that has antlers). Now, let’s be clear that to meet the “size” requirements entails that the animal live past a certain age (read, past its prime).

Ethical hunters go about seeking a license, which costs a lot of money (in Pakistan, it costs about 50,000 dollars to get a license to hunt ONE markhor). And where does this money go? Why, to the local community who would then ensure that the habitat isn’t disturbed, that they don’t “encroach” on it, and that there is no poaching. Let’s face it, if you can get 10,000 dollars for one animal, provided it lives to be a certain age, you’d be a fucking imbecile to let someone poach it from your land. What’s more, once the locals know that their land is prime hunting land, they also develop infrastructure that are useful for the animals, be they water holes, or planting a certain crop, or even ensuring that certain grasses are always available. All this is possible because the hunter pays a certain fee, and what’s more it’s approved by the WWF as well, because they fucking know that it works, unlike you morons who sit on your computer and think it’s horrible to watch a person pose next to a dead giraffe (your selfie next to your home made chicken jalfrezi is calling you a fucking hypocrite, btw).

Also, keep in mind that the hunting license entails that you hunt a specific sized animal of a specific gender, and that you do it within the validity of the license (which is anywhere from 4 to 7 days usually). An ethical hunter goes out in search of the prey. They stalk it, they try to find it, and then they shoot it. It’s not like the animals are in cages and the hunter gets to shoot at one. Moreover, if the hunter cannot successfully stalk his prey, or if he finds one but does not end up managing to “bag the kill”, the license fee is forfeit. A lot of hunters pay the fee, but come back home without a kill because they didn’t manage to find the “right sized” head. So, basically, even an unsuccessful hunter does more for conservation of wildlife than you lot of wankers.

MOST of the conservation efforts are spearheaded by hunters. They are some of the best informed and most passionate people about wildlife conservation. What’s more, unlike you judgey motherfuckers, they get off their asses and put their money where their mouth is. Some of the best steps taken by the governments of KPK and Sindh were initiated at the suggestions of hunters. The population of ibexes and markhors has THRIVED thanks to the introduction of licensed hunting schemes in Pakistan. Unfortunately, as there is little to no money for the “government officials” in it, Punjab has lagged behind, even though the idea originated there.

The whole Ricky Gervais led bullshit bullying campaign is nothing if not hypocritical. What exactly have most of these people done for the conservation of wildlife? The hunter, JUST BY BUYING THAT FUCKING LICENSE, has contributed to it, and shows that s/he cares. But it doesn’t stop there for them. They are engaged with various organizations, in Pakistan and abroad, to preserve natural habitats and to promote habitat management, sound harvest practices, land stewardship and hunter safety, as well as help the locals tackle poaching. The fact that your sensibilities were “hurt” by watching a woman or a man pose next to a dead lion is not worth the shit of a chicken that you torture by imprisoning it in a small cage, where it lays eggs upon eggs, and then is sent to an even crowdier cage where its feathers fall off and its scared especially after watching its brethren being slaughtered in front of it. The fact that you EAT it is besides the point. You still torture it and maim it before you do that, right? A hunter is better than you because s/he ensures a quick kill to its quarry; s/he’s not a sadistic motherfucker like you.

Yes, you heard me, the way I see it, you’re the sadist! NOT the hunter! The hunter has qualms about how s/he comes by the animal s/he hunts. The hunter does not go around caging animals s/he wants to hunt. The hunter gives money to preserve and conserve the natural habitat of the creature s/he hunts, be they migratory birds, ducks, antelope, deer, giraffe or lions. What’s more, unlike you, the hunter is VERY clear about what s/he’s doing: killing. Hunters don’t go down the hypocritical route of eating the flesh of tortured animals at home and then being outraged by the YuLin festival in China, because they eat an animal we consider a pet.

So as usually, my message is, fuck you and your hypocrisy, hunters are fucking awesome people, and you’re an asshole who knows nothing. At least educate yourself before you open your ignorant mouth and let everyone know what a completely illiterate piece of shit you are.

The Islamist and the Shoe!

There is no denying the fact that the Islamists have quite a few quaint and misguided ideas, however, the British Islamists are completely batshit insane. It’s like they’re a whole other level of crazy. Whether it’s their “men” talking, or the “ninjas” that pass for women, you have to be an utter moron to actually agree with what they have to say. Their claims are laughable at best, and completely heinous and full of hatred at worst.

Their now-reformed-but-having-done-everything-in-my-past poster boy, Anjem Choudary, constantly spews hateful bullshit on the media. From praising the 911 hijackers, to calling Osama bin Laden a martyr to the cause, to calling for murder of any apostates (or those who leave Islam for you uninitiated in religion types), to, AND THIS STUFF IS NOT MADE UP, justifying the Peshawar Army Public School attack of December 2014 (because hey, if you can’t justify the wanton large scale massacre of over a hundred school kids, you’re not a true Islamist), he’s done it all, and has shown that he’s not above stooping to any depths of depravity. Never mind the fact that most Muslims think he’s an asshole, and reject his ideas, because the media is only interested in bringing assholes like him to the limelight so that they can be successful in their “scare tactics” about what a menace Islam poses and how horribly backward and hateful the Muslims are. Truth be damned, ratings are everything.

I’ve also seen their I’m-nothing-if-not-a-sex-object-therefore-I-need-to-hide-lest-I-tempt-men women and heard just how “enlightening” their views are. In a documentary,  “angry ninjas” of Luton, who were protesting the LAWFUL ARREST of the wife of a Muslim man who’d set off a bomb in Stockholm (yeah, let’s not get into just how peace loving these motherfuckers are) made it very clear to the perfectly decently dressed presenter about how she’s trying to “seduce men” because she’s “naked”. Yup, clearly if you’re not dressed in bedsheets, to the point where you can barely see and can’t even be heard properly, and of course, NEVER identified, then you’re not only naked but also trying to seduce someone, cos that’s the only thing women do. Seriously, I don’t have to make this shit up, they ARE that stupid.

It is clear that if there’s one thing British Islamists are good at, it’s being complete and utter jokes. But then just recently I came across something so fucking stupid that I had to take a double take and ensure that it wasn’t satire. Nope, it wasn’t. Asghar Bukhari, another one of these morons, when he couldn’t find one of his shoes in the morning upon waking up decided to take the only rational route possible, which was that the Zionists had taken it from his house to intimidate him. Yeah, this nobody from nowhere is THAT much of a target for a fictional organized group of Zionists, that they get together and think of ways to intimidate the Islamists, and the best they could come up with was to steal one of his shoes. Yup, only one, cos if they’d taken BOTH of them, he won’t have been adequately intimidated.

Not only did the moron make a Facebook post about it, but in it he urged everyone to share his post “widely, for if it is happening to” him, he’s SURE (yup, SURE) that it is happening to many, many others who haven’t talked about it. Let me restate that for you, he wants you to share this post because he is SURE that there are MANY, MANY others who wake up in the morning to find one of their shoes missing and who aren’t talking about it. I guess it has to do with the fact that most people don’t think “Zionists” the minute one of their shoes is misplaced, and take the less batshit crazy way out by assuming that they either misplaced it, or someone must’ve kicked it under the bed, or maybe picked it up, especially when they live with others. They do this not only because it is the more rational way to go about it, but because ZIONISTS DO NOT FUCKING TRY TO INTIMIDATE YOU BY STEALING ONE OF YOUR SHOES. If they want to do that, I’m sure there are more effective ways to go about it than making you play hide and seek with your shoe.

But wait, there’s more to it, the dipshit also recorded a long and rambling video insisting that, and here’s the kicker, ANY RATIONAL AND LOGICAL PERSON WOULD COME TO THE SAME CONCLUSION IF THEY FIND THEIR SHOE MISSING (for the umpteenth time, I’m not making this shit up). Then he goes on to add how the Zionists are targeting him, like they’ve done in the past, and, *cough* inflated sense of ego *cough* like some mafia organisation did to a US Congressman, because he read a book which said that’s how they operate. Yup, in his mind, as far as the Zionist hierarchy of who to play mind games go, he’s next to ACTUAL fucking politicians, and not just hateful little twits. Because the best part about being a nut job is that you tend to feel REALLY important and good about yourself or whatever crazy path you’ve taken. That’s the thing I have against the “high self esteem is desirable” group, as Carlin said turns out sociopaths and psychopaths think VERY highly of themselves, but that’s a rant for another day.

For the love of Cthulhu and all things unholy, are THESE the people that are representing Muslims in front of the media? Is it any wonder that nobody takes Muslims seriously? And why is it surprising that it is VERY easy for the world to paint Islam as a horrific religion, which gives women no rights, and which produces brainwashed idiots who think it is okay to kill even children? After all, these are the Muslims that get the limelight while the sane Muslims decide it’s too much trouble to get involved in public speaking. But wait, maybe if we start hiding THEIR shoes…..

Your Priorities are Fucked up!

As an avid “curser” who is pretty active on social media, I’ve been known to pepper my comments with a lot of four lettered words. Hell, if I can’t fucking stress my point by cussing, it feels to me that I haven’t really made my point at all. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not someone who cusses at people, or calls them names (despite wanting to, let me add), but what the fuck, if you can’t keep it informal on social media groups that encourage debates on “controversial” topics, or who encourage free speech, then where the fuck can you? At a official meeting with your boss? I fucking well think not.

I understand that in a society where a woman has to talk in a certain way, it comes across as pretty crass when I totally flaunt the supposed rules and give them a big fuck you by using the word “fuck” and the derivatives thereof. However, despite understanding that, I’m not going to fucking well go around walking on eggshells so that I don’t offend some random person’s sensibilities. Let’s not even go down the road of how the “enlightened men” of my culture decide to talk about women who they don’t agree with, or whose point of views are drastically different from those from the stoneage that these motherfuckers are lugging around, because hey, if you can’t call a woman a “whore” because she won the Nobel Peace Prize when you feel like she shouldn’t have, you won’t feel like a man; isn’t EVERY woman other than those you’re related to totally a whore for whatever reason that vacuum in your skull you call your brain comes up with?

I also get it that people are free to be “offended” by whatever the fuck takes their fancy. If you want to be offended by someone disagreeing with your take on a fucking television series plot twist, you’re free to do so.. you’re a complete fucking moron for doing so, but you’re free to be offended all the same.

But what really gets my goat is this: the same people who are “offended” by the use of cursing, are completely okay about someone saying, for example, child abuse is not that big of a deal. On what fucking planet do these morons live? You’re offended more by someone using inappropriate language, and that too when it’s not directed at you but is only used to stress some point, but you’re fine about someone saying that a woman was raped because of how she was dressed as long as they used “appropriate” language to get this reprehensible message across?

What sort of fucking priorities are these? What kind of people are we that we don’t care about the message itself but rather how it’s put? And, wait a minute, I’m not saying you should totally use such language at the UN General Assembly (even though I see no “offence” even then, but I get it, there’s a time and place and more formal settings call out for more formal conversation), this is a goddamned SOCIAL MEDIA discussion, and that, too, on a page that’s set up for “open discussions about all topics”, because you, in your magnanimity, decided that you should give a platform to people who want to talk about shit that they can’t talk about in real life lest they be beheaded, but hey, please no “f” words because that’s JUST a no-no.

We’re a society that rallies together behind a woman who was given an opened can of coke, when she wanted to open it herself (the “entitlement” here is just too much, but it’s been talked about ad nauseum), because that is SUCH a huge injustice, and yet we completely rant against a girl who won the Nobel Peace Prize because “she brought a bad name to our country for being shot by the Taliban and then rescued and now doesn’t want to come back to Pakistan, never mind that she’s still in the Taliban hitlist”. We are people who think rape apologia is pretty much okay, as is corporal punishment. And we’re free to express that and bitch about “freedom of expression” when talking about how it’s okay to kill people for apostasy or for suspected blasphemy, but please… don’t use curse words because THAT is where we draw the line…. Get your priorities straight, people, because FUCK THAT SHIT!

I’m not your servant!

I’ve noticed that whenever you put one of my fellow CUNTrymen in their place, you’re never accosted with “facts and figures” or any sound argument in return, but the go-to response is almost always whining with a smattering of “Don’t talk to me like that.. I’m not your servant.” In fact, some of them are very precise about just WHICH servant they are talking about: “I’m not your driver”, “Don’t talk to me as if I’m one of your cooks”, because, hey, if you don’t specify just WHICH servant you mean, it might leave the others confused, cos they ONLY reserve that tone for their gardener. This has always left me wondering just what the FUCK goes on in the puny brains of theirs.

Leaving aside the fact that their argument didn’t have any merit, and that’s why you completely tore them a new one; and the reason they feel like fools is because they are completely acting like idiots; and the fact that you actually did them a favour by pointing that out so that in future they keep their fucking mouths shut, what never ceases to astound me how they feel that you “insulted” them, and in their mind it’s only fair to “insult” people who are below you in status. Essentially, when they’re throwing these fits, they’re telling you about how they’re your social “equals”, and by that right alone you can’t insult them, even though they tried their LEVEL BEST to do just that to your intelligence.

And you, who complete expects and accepts a knock down in return are left ASTOUNDED at the “classism” so inherent within people (not that I’m not an elitist when it comes to certain things, but I’m nothing if not contradictory). What the fuck are people thinking? In their minds it’s OKAY to insult a servant for no reason? I’m saying “no reason” because in their minds they were insulted for “no reason”, and they tell you how you can’t do that cos they’re not  your servant. How the FUCK does that make any sense? How do you go around calling yourself a “humanist” and a “human rights activist” if you think that only your SOCIAL STATUS should cause other people not to call you out on the bullshit you spew?

Isn’t the whole idea behind sparring with your equals that you can say whatever you want without being a complete shit, because you’re not saying it to someone who is beholden to you and hence can’t call you out on YOUR shit? What kind of assholes are these who are only condescending to people who they are sure will not answer them back?

“Ooooh, here’s my servant, I think I’ll tell him what a complete waste of space he is, and since he can’t answer me back, I’m perfectly justified in doing it, because fuck him, he’s just a lowly excuse for a human being. Also, it’ll make me feel good.” Isn’t that more of a dick move? What insecurities are you dealing with, you fucktard, that you only reserve your “sharp tongue” for people below you, and can’t find enough ovaries to fucking well say it to someone who can slap you right back?

Admit it, you’re just doing this because you want to take out your frustrations on someone, because you’ve been bowing to people “above” you, cos you’re too much of a spineless coward to call them out on their bullshit! And please, if you can’t take the heat, then get out of the kitchen. Go and fucking have “discussions” with your kitchen staff so that you feel like the “intellectual” that you obviously aren’t, and keep treating them like shit when they disagree with you, because, let’s face it, you can’t do it with anyone unless they’re financially dependent on you!

The Article Somebody SHOULD Publish: “You did know, but you didn’t give a fuck!”

So, I recently came across this NAUSEATING article by Wajahat Khan, a “defence analyst” par excellence (or so he would have you believe, if you look at him strutting around on your screen with a self satisfied smirk on his face, the man is nothing if not in love with himself), in which he COMPLETELY shifts blame on others, under the guise of contrition and shame (which he never shows throughout this long drawn bullshit of an article).

For reference, the dude, along with some of his “similarly minded” (read, completely for sale and totally up for grabs for anyone who could give them such a high pay raise) colleagues decided to join a yet to be launched television station called “Bol”, which was owned by Axact. I think it’s enough to say that Axact has always had a dubious reputation and its credibility was COMPLETELY demolished by an article in the New York Times by Declan Walsh. And, after the typical “it was a conspiracy against us by the other media houses” noise died down, followed by a still ongoing investigation that has already acquired quite a bit of incriminating evidence against the media house and the release of documents by Declan Walsh, the typical exodus of rats from the sinking ship has begun.

It was only a matter of time before one of these “journalists” (and I use that term VERY loosely) decided to come up with a sham apology cum explanation of just what made him/her join and how it wasn’t his/her fault. Surprise Surprise, it was that smug little shit, Wajahat, who decided to be THAT guy.. you know, that guy who hangs out with the “cool kids” cos they can afford good dope and he totally wants some of that? And who totally ignores the fact that they’re complete assholes who bully others and bunk classes and are involved in arson? You know, THAT guy who complete turns into a crying snivelling mess the MINUTE the cool gang is caught stealing from a store, and starts telling the cops about how he has a shitty home life, and how he only looked up to these people, and only wanted to be seen as cool, and how it’s not his fault, because, again, his mom drinks and his dad is in jail, and fuck this the OTHERS made him do it? Yeah… HIM!

The whole guise behind printing that not-even-worth-being-toilet-paper-had-it-been-printed-on-paper article on Raza Rumi’s blog was just to be that snivelling asshole who points his finger at EVERYONE other than himself for whatever shit has hit the fan. Yes, he idolised those other “journalists” (again, I’m using it VERY loosely), you know, the ones who were younger than him, and this one other older dude, and yes, he completely was kicked out and left many other media houses before being rehired by one of them for 12 fucking years, cos hey, what’s a brothel without its whores, eh? And yes, he COMPLETELY ignored all the warning signs and joined the network cos he was being paid a lot. And, OF COURSE, he was completely won over by the luxurious lifestyle promised to him. And, for sure, he forgot to actually be a journalist and research a bit about just how this small media house that hadn’t even begun its operations could afford to pay him and the host of other greedy “journalists” who’d joined. But NO, he (his own words) MAY HAVE POSSIBLY let his country and those who trusted him down, while others not only “let themselves down”, they also let HIM down. And oh, btw, he’s from a middle income broken home, who just happened to go to some good institutes.

How is his family history relevant you say? I don’t know, except maybe Mr. Khan wants to humanise himself, while completely dehumanising those who have “let him down”, from never naming his “idol”. which everyone knows is Kamran Khan, but who Wajahat Khan is too fucking chicken shit to name, who let poor old vulnerable and completely naive Wajahat down, to listing the sexual deviancies of his previous employees, he just draws this picture of complete and utter moral deviants who want nothing but money and power, while telling us about what a “struggle” it was for him. This coming from a guy who went to Harvard and University of Michigan (yeah, because you were that much of a middle class guy, right?), and who describes himself as “Known for his tough, investigative reporting, Khan has pioneered the study and use of social media in Pakistani broadcast, empowering his audiences” in his LinkedIn Profile,

No no, Wajahat is this poor little lamb, who just lost its way and MAY HAVE POSSIBLY done something wrong. He even tells you about how, during his 12 years career, he quit his work for “principle stands” as well! Please ignore the fact that he also says how sometimes it was for being offered more money, and a few times he was fired, and that when you add that up to 7 job changes, you’re left wondering just HOW MANY principle stands were there. Because hey, he wants to put it out there, lest you take him for a completely money hungry ethics be damned kinda “journalist”, you know.. the kind he showed himself to be when he joined Bol? Yeah, because facts are inconveniences to the narrative that Mr. Khan comes to you with.

After reading through the complete LACK of apology, but a lot of shamefaced hemming and hawing in the act of being a greedy little git, which is this article. I came to read the comments. While most of them took this guy to task for being the spineless asshole that he is, some of them went ahead with the “I’m so sympathetic to your plight, Dear Wajahat. Nobody knows what you’re going through. You’re definitely the bigger man for apologising and realising your mistake, because it takes a BIG man to do such soul searching” rhetoric, that made me SICK.

Aren’t you, Wajahat Khan, amongst that ilk of people in our midst who go about not only “reporting” on people but actually harassing them when they haven’t done their job “properly” (and that, too, only in your inexpert opinion)? Aren’t you self-proclaimed consciences of the society who go about making us see our own ugly face in the proverbial mirror? Doesn’t it strike you, with your intelligence, pomposity and wit that you seem to think makes you god’s gift to mankind, as maybe SLIGHTLY ironic, that you were caught with your pants down, and you did EXACTLY what those you “reported on” were doing? i.e. pointed at everyone else’s bare ass and going all “but see, even those people are doing it, naaaaaaa, and they’re more powerful than me, so please look at them before you come to me”, whilst completely pretending that we couldn’t see YOUR ass?

Your article is NOTHING like the apology you want to make it seem.. it is NOT the result of a “soul searching” irrespective of what you get your friends to write on your shit-article (yeah, I hyphenated it, cos I feel this word needs to be coined just for that piece you wrote). You went to work at Bol because they paid you more, CONSIDERABLY more, and you didn’t give a FUCK where and how the money was coming to you, just as long as it came to you. If it hadn’t been for that pesky Declan Walsh and that “yahoodi saazish” of a New York Times, you’d still be working at that exact same place, and won’t’ve given any more of a shit than you did when you agreed to work for them. So please, spare us the fake contrition which is nothing more than a ploy to get back into the field and look for “greener pastures” wherever they may be, so that you can tell us again from your moral high horse about what abject sinners we all are, while you and your ilk are the paragons of virtue and all things pure and holy.

Sexism is Independent of Religion.

Most of the time, people would have us believe that take organized religion out of our collective social lives and, voila, all our problems are solved. Suddenly, everyone would become fair and just. Children will be protected (because clearly children are ONLY physically and sexually abused in madrassahs and churches at the hands of Mullahs and Priests), minorities will ALL get their rights (because ONLY the religious discriminate, the others are ALL bigotry free), and women will suddenly become equals in the eyes of their fellow men (because, hey, only the religious are sexist, cos patriarchy is a religious value, right?). Too bad that these people are all wrong..

Irrespective of what the “oh-my-god-I’m-so-cool-cos-I-left-religion-and-that-is-ALL-it-takes-to-become-rational-and-good” gang would tell you, abandoning religion or being non-religious, isn’t the ONLY criterion for being less of a bigot than the rest of the people. It takes more than just the realisation that there probably isn’t a God out there to make people better and fair minded. If anything, my interactions with the fellow sceptics are an EYE opener in that regard.

From a person who thinks speaking out against the “fellow heathens” who’ve congregated to make fun of an alleged religious woman based on her choice of clothes is “belligerent feminism” because it’s “all in good fun”, and another equating the same activity to making fun of the OPINIONS of religious men (notice how the fact that there are no opinions of women out there to make fun of, just their pictures are enough, is not cause for any introspection?), to others whose egos are hurt when women “talk back aggressively” to them (because, listen here, a man who speaks like that is PASSIONATE, whereas a woman is just plain bitchy) right down to where some of them decide it’s okay to suggest that a woman may be on her period and that’s why she has an “issue” with their “oh-so-very-enlightened” misogynistic views, right down to people who think that abandoning religion automatically means that you, as a girl, are willing to fuck anyone who comes to you with the offer (yeah, I’m not religious, but I’ve still got class, so please, keep it in your pants), I’ve come across them all.

I have reached the conclusion that it doesn’t take JUST religion to make a man feel a woman should be subservient to him or “make her case in a gentle manner”. Misogyny is actually a product of centuries long practices that have been so ingrained in our collective social psyches that just to even NOTICE its presence is beyond these people who, otherwise, claim themselves to be “rational” and “logical” and “completely open to reason and logic”. Growing up in a MUSLIM household, I’ve not been subjected to half as much bullshit and misogynistic/sexist stuff as I have in the past few years that I’ve spent among the non-religious. Food for thought, right?

Familiar, All Too Familiar.

Oh man, where do I even begin? There’s been yet ANOTHER murder of yet ANOTHER person over yet ANOTHER “unknown cause” (although, let’s admit it, the favourite theory that has been floated and accepted is that it was because of the Baloch debate she allowed to be held at her club’s premises). For me, as a Pakistani, that’s just another day in good old Pakistan. As far as I am concerned, she is just another person in a country filled with MANY such people, though for many she was someone close or someone inspiring or someone who “meant something”. These people – and others who love to get on the protest bandwagon in whatever is the most convenient way possible for them – are going around talking about how her death would not be in vain, how they would not be silenced, how they would carry her mission to its logical end, and how they would never bow down to the powers that be.

I, meanwhile, sit back and smile cynically at all of this. I’ve seen it all too well before, and I know I will KEEP seeing it as well, for at least quite a long time to come, if not all the time I’m alive. How many times have my compatriots promised that they would carry the mission forward only to completely forget what the mission exactly was? Wasn’t it just 5 months ago that the Taliban killed more than seven-score children? What exactly did that “outrage” get us? Do we have any campaigning for a change in our draconian laws that promote extremism? Do we have protests about the government not doing ANYthing concrete in the aftermath? For a while our “bloodlust” was appeased by the lifting of the death penalty, but that, too, we now know to just be a farce, a ploy by the government to do just that: appease us. And what did we do? We were appeased, ffs!

I see my facebook newsfeed flood with “pro Sabeen” statuses, and condemnations and changing profile pictures, and I know for a FACT that this is just a passing fad. Tell me what we’ve done for the children who were murdered in Peshawar? The same children for whom everyone was scrambling to change their profile pictures and write statuses? Organize a protest about it now, and just see how many people would get there. I know for a fact that on the 2nd month anniversary only 1 person showed up in Multan at the protest. Beyond pathetic, you say? VERY Pakistani, I say. Not for us is the carrying missions to their logical ends. (Please do tell me how we’ve done anything about the myriads of Baloch who’ve disappeared, or about the atrocities committed by the religious Islamists on the minorities, or even about the cold-blooded murders of journalists who asked the wrong question and who, btw, we vowed to avenge by laying bare the powers that be who murdered them)

Have you looked at the current affairs in Pakistan lately? Not a week into one horrible and bloody incident, we’ve got another. And what do we do? We flit from one incident to the next, with our short attention spans and “I only care cos it’s topical” mindsets. That is precisely why we’re in the mess that we are in and precisely why we haven’t managed to change anything to counter the rampant intolerance and terrorism in our country. If the plan you propose takes longer than 3 months, we’re just not interested! So, please, don’t come to us with long term solutions, when we are a people attuned to quick-fixes only.

So, not for me are the “cause célèbres” – I don’t believe that we are going to change the status quo, not that I think EVERYone talking about change is dishonest, but that most of them are just not interested in it beyond raising their public profile. Am I cynical? I’d prefer to call myself a realist. I’m well-versed with the Pakistani way of doing things, so, I’m really sorry, but I refuse to even pretend to join the band wagon this time around. Wanton loss of life is despicable as far as I am concerned, but my abhorrence to murder notwithstanding, I’ll just not be getting on the “I am [insert whatever the cause of the day is, which you’ll forget come tomorrow]” train.

Turning Japanese!

As much as I love the song by The Vapors, it wasn’t because of it that I decided to try and learn Japanese. I have always been fascinated by other cultures and languages; it would be fair to say that I’m quite the xenophile. When I was a kid I was extremely fascinated by the Japanese drama they showed on state television (PTV), called Oshin, and growing up I discovered that I really like anime.

So, perhaps, one of the reasons I decided to learn the language was because I thought (and still think) it’d be easier to learn a language that you can “listen” and be “in touch” with by having a lot of shows in that language being made available to you.

I have only just managed to learn the two basic syllabaries, Hiragana and Katakana, and I know that it’s a LONG way before I can even seem to recognise Kanji, but it’s been really fun so far.

The thing that is really fascinating is that they have a completely alien (to me) script, which means that I have NO idea what the squiggles on the page mean, that is until I learnt the two scripts, which at least give me a semblance of literacy, though I still don’t know what the words mean. Learning something from scratch like that is quite fun, but also frustrating because you can’t possibly want to feel like a child once again. But then again, I think that it’s a good way to keep your mind sharp: by constantly challenging it.

Funnily enough, I recognised the term “unagi” (うなぎ) in an anime that I was watching today, and it really made me feel good about myself, so yayyyy me. (it means eel, btw). I’m hoping all this goes as intended and I can, at least, get a rudimentary knowledge about the language, which I can then polish by reading and watching Japanese mangas and animes.

You’re the reason we can’t have good things!

I’ve been ranting about this a lot to my friends, and it wasn’t until today that one of them told me to write a blog post about it. So here I am. What is it with people and their ability to abso-fucking-lutely destroy everything good about watching movies or reading books? Yeah, I get it, you watched Game of Thrones (or GoT, as you fuckwits call it) and all of a sudden your eyes were “opened” to the majesty that is epic fantasy, but why in the name of Cthulhu do you have to be so enthusiastic about it as to try to shove it down everyone’s throat?

You guys have the AUDACITY to make memes about it, and make it so fucking “prevalent,” that people like me have to fight their gag reflex each time someone mentions George R. R. Martin (GRRM, anyone?), and how “awesome” and “talented” he is, and how he writes about a fictional world, and yet makes it so “realistic” because of all the “true to life emotions” he put into it! That’s called GOOD WRITING, you fuckwad! Go look it up! And while you’re at it, read some motherfucking books!

Then there are GoT (*gag*) references thrown into everything! You have a fight with a friend, you go all, “You know, you’re a lot like Baratheon! All bluster and no muster!” What the fuck did you do before you watched this tv series? What the fuck did you use as your terms of reference? Oh, you DID have witty stuff to say back then? Well, stick to doing just that! Cos this shit ain’t for you!

As someone who had been a fan of J. R. R. Tolkien (which reminds me what a fucking asshole Martin is, not only for being a cunt to his reader – read, original – fans, but also for being such a pretentious prick, good writing notwithstanding, that he thought he could stylize himself after Tolkien with the two Rs!), way before the movies came out, someone who had fallen in love with the characters and the world Tolkien created without any dumbing down, I was totally put off by the “fans” that now sprung up from everywhere. Don’t get me wrong, the movies are good in their own right, but they are nowhere as detailed as the books, and, let’s face it, have some dumbing down to them, because dickwads like YOU watch TV, and can’t understand something unless it’s spelled out for you. All of a sudden, people who gave me weird looks when I recommended Tolkien books to them and told me I had “weird taste” in books, suddenly started pretending that they’d been having wet dreams about this series ever since they reached puberty.

To be fair, it’s not a bad idea to actually popularise a writer, and introduce more people to something that is good; that’s how tastes are refined, after all. But you don’t have to be a douchebag about it, going around shouting over parapets about how much you “love” this show, and how “great” it is! And then having the audacity to tell everyone around you about how they should’ve felt when something significant happened! NO! FUCK YOU! You don’t get to jump on the bandwagon and then ruin good shit for me!