So, you’re sitting down, surfing through the channels and you decide, hey, how about watching something “local”, you know? Movies and series are good, yes, but you need something different today, and for some reason you are hankering for a little Urdu. You finally find a Pakistani channel that you decide to stick with and watch. And that’s when things go really weird, really fast.
Irrespective of whether you tuned into a news channel or a drama channel, you’re slightly bemused at first to notice just how much “non-Urdu” is being spoken. You check to ensure that it IS a Pakistani channel that you’ve tuned in to. Yup, that you have. So what exactly is all that English doing in there? If you’re watching the news it’s all the more confusing because, hey, isn’t news supposed to be scripted? And if it is, then how hard is it to come up with news in Urdu? I mean there are writers who write in Urdu, right?
And if by some chance you tuned into an entertainment channel, well then, you only have yourself to blame for having to listen to an actor with no facial expression and dead eyes, deliver this nugget of gold: “[his friend] nay apna khana finish naheen kiya abhi”, which is why “woh apnay office main time say work kay liye naheen pohnch sakta”.
And, by CTHULHU, once the ads start, it’s one hair ripping “aap ko germs say safe rakhay” after another “aap kay liye aik gift free.” But by that time you’re probably numb enough with the onslaught of an alien language that is neither here nor there to actually not give a fuck.
Apparently, there’s a name for this shitty phenomenon: Minglish (I shit you not, I’ve heard people at advertising agencies using that word to mean this bastardised version of Urdu/English). What is it, you ask? Why it’s the tendency of illiterate motherfuckers to try and pretend they’re cultured – because only those who speak in English are cultured, of course. So why say “haath milao” and be thought of as Urdu medium, when you can say “Hand shake karo” and totally become “maadren” (yeah, at least in your head). The fact that you sound MUCH MORE illiterate and come across as a total “burger wannabe” is besides the point, however much that escapes you. But what irks me the most about this “trend” is that slowly and surely most of the urbanites are losing touch with Urdu to the extent that we don’t even know how to form a complete sentence without adding some English in it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those “Urdu is awesome cos it’s desi and English is shitty cos it’s not” people. What really gets to me is how “complexed” we are about knowing or even speaking in Urdu. For most of us, conversing in Urdu is a sign of being “paindoo” or “not educated enough.” And we just HAVE to add a bit of English into everything (even when it doesn’t fit) lest we be thought uncouth or uncultured, cos hey, you can’t be cultured unless you speak English.
What’s also baffling is the fact that they think that going around telling people that their Urdu is “weak” is a sign of being “maadren”, too. What in the WORLD does being shit at a language that is ubiquitous around you prove? That you’re too fucking dumb to actually learn shit even when it’s all around you! So why the smugness? Why the feeling of “pride” at being shitty at Urdu? Oh wait, because you think that if people find out your Urdu is awesome, you’d be thought less of.
The irony? These are people whose English also sucks balls (not just Urdu)! They’re the ones who don’t know where and how to put “has” and “have” (“She have been here, you know?”), they don’t know subject and verb agreement rules (“I don’t think he like it.”), don’t even realise the rules applicable to using past (“I didn’t understood what you said.” Yeah, maybe cos your English fucking sucks!), and let’s not even get into the clusterfuck that is their spelling and diction. You’d think that if they were that concerned about being considered “cultured” they’d at least work at it, but nope, it’s easy to say “My Urdu is sucks, but my English very good” around people who know dick all about English to actually notice what an illiterate cunt you sound like. Please, for the love of God, STFU with your “I wanna to go theres” and “I didn’t thought you’d minds”. SERIOUSLY!
If you’re so much of a superficial asshole that you think just peppering your words with a bit of English/Minglish would make you “cool” and “hip” and totally progressive, despite the misogynistic, regressive shit you spout in your spare time, then not only are you wrong, but you come across as this really complexed individual who would go to any dishonest lengths to prove that s/he’s worthy (Jesus H. Christ, how low IS your self-esteem?). Maybe the right thing for you would be to seek help for this problem.
In the meanwhile, those of us who actually DO know enough English to actually be proficient in it, as well as have extensive mastery of Urdu also, would like to tell you that NOBODY buys your spiel: we know you for who you are – a fucking fraud!